


and how we feel is hard to fake

by earlymorningechoes



Series: esther hawke: ringing joyful and triumphant [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, First Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 19:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7945957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlymorningechoes/pseuds/earlymorningechoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Esther's used to things going her way. Merrill kind of throws a wrench in the mix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and how we feel is hard to fake

    A joke, a smile, some quick thinking, and things usually go her way (Carver says she's manipulative. He’s right.). She's confident in her ability to swing most any situation, and she isn't usually one to look before she leaps.

    But Merrill - sweet, and naive, and equal parts uncertain and sure - gets her tongue-tied and shaky, sure-footed as a newborn goat. She’s had crushes a-plenty before, other girls back in Lothering, but none have ever made her so aware of every word she says, so nervous that she'll pull the strings wrong.

    Tonight in the Hanged Man is no different. Before Merrill joins their crowded table, she feels like herself, laughing and countering Varric's tales as she matches him drink for drink. She's not even sure that Merrill will be coming, and while she knows she wants to spend as much time with the elf as possible, she's also relishing the chance to lose the second-guessing that plagues her.

    But Merrill does show up, and pulls a chair into the space between her and Carver - an action apparently not lost on Isabela, who raises her eyebrows and winks from across the table. Esther feels herself blushing, and she ducks her head to try and hide it. Draining her beer in one gulp, she bangs it hard on the table, trying to loosen her tongue.

    “Hey everyone,” Merrill says brightly, accepting a mug from Norah the barmaid. Everyone mumbles their welcomes, and Isabela starts telling of being chased while on her ship. Carver pipes up that they’ve heard this one before, but he’s shouted down immediately, and Esther finds herself pulled out of her slump by her own laughter when he pouts angrily. She settles in to listen to Isabela’s musical voice, trying not to stare at Merrill’s exuberance but finding her gaze drawn over and over.

    The conversation ebbs and flows, Varric testing to see how far he can make Merrill believe a story (“you’re too trusting,” he tells her, and she giggles, and Esther feels like the floor’s fallen out from under her) and Isabela trying to convince someone to play Wicked Grace with her (no one agrees, they’ve all lost far too much money to her already). Eventually someone remarks that they’ve all got places to be in the morning, and everyone starts to shuffle chairs back to where they belong.

    Just as Esther’s about to leave, trying to get a rise out of Carver as he stares after Isabela, Varric grabs her by the arm and pulls her off towards the stairs, away from the crowd of people near the door. She follows easily, wondering what he’s going to ask her for, and stops short when he crosses his arms and fixes her with a piercing stare.

    “When are you going to tell her?” he asks, glancing pointedly at Merrill, who’s animatedly telling Anders of a newborn kitten she found under the market stall outside her house in the alienage. Esther shakes her head, knowing that in any other situation she’d already have what she wants but unable to wrap her thoughts around it this time.

    “Maybe when you tell me about Bianca,” she quips, earning herself a chuckle as he leans back against the stair railing.

    “I don’t know what’s got into you, Shorebird,” he says, shaking his head as well. He watches everyone start to file out the door, Merrill still talking at Anders and Anders looking like he needs an escape. “Go walk her home. Maybe that’ll knock some sense back into you.” She rolls her eyes and he holds up his hands in mock surrender, turning to head up the stairs to his rooms above the bar. Sighing, she hurries out as well, mumbling a thanks to Norah as she tries to catch up to the group. Merrill and Anders are still talking, and she sidles up next to them, trying not to think about how adorable Merrill looks when she's excited.

    “Let's get you home, Kitten,” she says, stealing Isabela’s nickname, and Merrill looks up and grins. Anders immediately steps away, flashing Esther a grateful look, and Merrill waves after him as the two of them head the opposite direction.

    Once they're alone, though, Esther can't think of a single thing to say that doesn't feel overwrought and stupid. She tries anyway, feeling as clunky and indelicate as a golem. “Finding your way around any better?”

    Merrill laughs ruefully, stretching out a hand to encompass the maze of Lowtown's streets that Esther navigates easily. “Not a whit. I don't know what it is, it's like I can't remember up and down sometimes!” Esther laughs along, knowing it sounds a bit forced and unnatural, and kicks herself mentally when they lapse back into silence and she can't think of anything else to say. Merrill picks up the slack without thinking, talking about their friends, Lowtown’s denizens, and everything else under the sun, but Esther can't help feeling unmoored.

    After what feels simultaneously like an age and a moment, they're standing outside Merrill’s door, and Merrill's looking at her with those bottomless green eyes, and all she wants to do is wrap her arms around her and never let go. But every bit of second-guessing that she's always ignored pushes its way into her thoughts, and she doesn't. She gives Merrill a quick smile and mumbles something akin to a goodbye before turning on her heel and striding towards the stairs, trying to give herself as little time as possible to play the fool.

    “Esther,” Merrill calls, and Esther's sure every one of Merrill's neighbors can hear her heart pounding when she turns around. Standing in her house’s lopsided doorway, Merrill glows in the half-light of the candles around the alienage’s tree, and Esther walks back towards her with shaky knees. Before she’s halfway back, Merrill’s walked out to her, and she leans forward and kisses Esther so gently she almost expects it’s a dream.

    But it’s a not a dream, and when they break apart Merrill immediately turns beet-red. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, you’re supposed to ask before you do that, aren’t you…” Esther laughs, and she mentally gives a nod to Varric for prodding her towards this.

    “Don’t worry. You can make it up to me by doing it again,” she says, and Merrill’s eyes widen almost comically.

    “Oh!” she says, and they both grin and lean back in for another kiss.


End file.
